Thursday, March 29, 2012

Dealing with Grief- Communication with lost loved ones.

As many of you may know, I have lost quite a few loved ones.

I lost my grandfather who I was very close to in my late teens. He was an amazing man, straight from the old country of Italy. He was that old school- traditional hard working Italian man, the sort of wonderful man you won't ever see nowadays. I learned so much from him that I have wisdom for years to come. I gardened with him, cooked with him, sewed with him, and ate many a delicious meal with him. He made the best tomato sauce, the best cappicola, he could humanely slaughter a lamb or a chicken very quickly. He made plants soar towards the sky and he had the best tomato plants in the state, promise. I miss him terribly. But he is in a much better place now with infinite gardens and animals and delicious meals.

In 2009, I lost my mother. I was 25, and it was during my pregnancy. It was the most difficult time of my life and at the time it was unbearable. We were very close. And for about 10 years she struggled with a disease called dementia/pics disease. That disease is the absolute worst thing to experience, watching someone you love so much be in so much pain is unbearable. It hurt more while she was sick then now that she is in peace however. But the emptiness in my heart where her presence used to be is very tough. Luckily the painful period was very quick and she transitioned before my eyes as I was holding her hand. I miss her so bad and I will forever be heartbroken missing her

Then last year I lost a good friend to me, who was only 30 years old, beautiful and full of life.
Unfortunately Destiny fell into a dark period of drugs and partying and I was too scared and involved with my own issues to get involved and drag her out. Many people say I am being tough on myself, but they don't feel the tremendous amount of guilt that I will carry for the rest of my life. My heart smashed to pieces when I lost her. She was gorgeous, sweet, amazing, and a wonderful friend and mother. And her down-spiral was painful to see, and scary, and not knowing what to do to try and help but praying for her at the same time, you never think that your friend will go too far deep into drugs, but she did, and I lost her :*( I have goosebumps and tears in my eyes as I write this.

Losing a loved one is the hardest thing you will ever have to experience. It leaves a gap in your heart and tears are always behind your eyes waiting to stream down your face. I did find some coping mechanisms to help me deal... at least, once I was able to peel myself out of the bed of despair.
You need that first stage of absolute grief shock and disbelief and pain in order to let it all out and let it all go. Don't ignore it, or it backfires and explodes later. During this time I tore thru pictures of my loved ones, & I listened to music and wrote tons of poetry.

I have some sort of spiritual connection with the afterlife and I say that honestly and wholeheartedly. You do NOT have to believe me, I believe in myself and that is quite fine enough. However, listen to this- I got signs from the other side after their transition- thru music.

When my mother passed away as I was holding her hand, it seemed like a song instantly played in my head. A completely random song, like my brain was a record player. It was the song at the end of the movie SET IT OFF. Its called Against The Wind, by Lori Petty. If you haven't heard the song, go to youtube NOW and listen to it. Haunting, but beautiful, and meaningful. When I got home to heal myself I listened to this song on repeat for a couple days straight as I looked thru pictures and cried. I didn't do anything else. The day before the funeral my sister called me, to come over and sort thru my mothers jewelry. When I got there, the movie SET IT OFF was playing on her t.v. completely a coincidence. (I had not told her about the song) As soon as we sorted thru all the jewelry the movie ended and the Lori Petty song played. If you knew my mother, you knew how important her jewelry was to her, and I took that song as a sign of comfort. That is my special song for her. The lyrics mean everything to me as it describes everything we have been through.

My girlfriend Destiny also communicated to me through music as well. My and my big brother figure were devastated after her passing and spent many hours talking about her. He mentioned how she used to sing this song real silly like "Umbrella" Rihanna. I went to her funeral the next day and on the way home driving the sky opened up and it POURED and the song Umbrella came onto the radio... and I have goosebumps as I write this, but, I knew she played that song for me. The lyrics also hit home for me as it describes our friendship.

I have had dreams of my mother and my Grandfather and they have given me many words of comfort after their passing. It seems that all people who have passed come to life in my dreams and give me a message. I am a very vivid lucid dreamer. I don't take my dreams seriously- until they mess my whole real world up.

I know most people think these are coincidences, but one can only have too many coincidences until they realize.....MAYYYBE something special is going on that's out of your control. So many situations have come to me like that, that now, I am a firm believer in the spirit world. No one can judge that or shake me out of that, I have my OWN proof and no time to try to convince YOU.
That has been a source of comfort for me, the fact that I have felt their spirit around me. So I know, deep in my heart- they aren't truly gone, and I wont have any new memories with them, but my old memories and photos are SOLID GOLD and are forever captured in my heart.

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