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GREEK HUMOR!

Greek Jokes

How To Raise A Greek Daughter 1. Never let your daughters spend the night anywhere, except at a fellow Greek's house. 2. Spend their whole life trying to find them a husband and disapproving of every one they find on their own. 3. Spoil them rotten, but make them feel guilty for it when they ask for something. 4. Fathers - tell them their just like their mothers when you're mad. Mothers- tell them they have their father's head when you're mad. 5. Always compare them to other greek girls (preferably those they can't stand) when trying to make them do something. 6. Complain that their clothes are too short, too tight, too low cut, too black, too cheap, or not right for church. 7. Brag to your friends about how beautiful and smart they are, but tell them to make their sons to stay away. 8. Press for them to marry a greek man, but then ward them off any Greek man you see them with. "He's okay, but his mother is crazy." "His father cleans up goat shit." "I heard his has a big house but he locks his yiayia downstairs, do you want to marry someone like that?" "No policemen." 9. Tell them they eat too much or not enough, depending on the situation. 10. Let them run around naked as children, but make them dress like nuns as adults. 11. Complain they spend too much money shopping, and then go out and blow $1000 on a poker game or gambling. 12. Tell them they never keep their car clean enough, even if your vehicle is covered in dust, reeks of smoke, and has empty coffee cups and food crumbs covering the inside. 13. Force them to be nice to people they can't stand, while you talk about those same people like they are dogs. 14. Have a fit when they use the word 'malaka', but use it yourself as if it were going out of style. 15. Let their brothers get away with murder. 16. Embarrass them by getting drunk at name days, Easter, festivals, etc, and then dancing the zembekeiko. 17. Assign a name to all their friends, and use them at inappropriate occasions (i.e. the mavra, the fat one, the ugly one, the dumb one, the slut, the chinese one) 18. Never let them leave the house after 10 O'clock. 19. Force them to go to church, join GOYA, dance in the festival. 20. Tell them "good greek girls don't behave that way" as many times as possible within a lifetime. 21. Buy them gold jewelry even when you know they only wear silver. 22. Fathers - always leave your shirt unbuttoned at least 3 buttons, exposing chest hair and gold cross, when going anywhere with your daughters. 23. Expect them to know all of the Greek dances - except for the tsiftetelli. 24. Make them believe that Greek women never have sex.

Why we're proud to be Greek   - Because we are European Champions in football - Because we buy whole watermelons and not in slices - Because we buy whole lambs and not in pieces - Because nights in Greece finish in the morning - Because we take our coffee slowly, while smoking and not in "shots" - Because flirting is our national hobby - Because sex is our national sport - Because we always moan about the public sector and everyone seeks to get a job in it - Because we are not puritans - Because we are not racists - Because we go out almost every night even if we are penniless - Because we know how to spend better that we know how to save - Because we never visit others empty handed - Because there is no way to explain to foreigners what is "kapsoura" (burning desire for someone) - Because in Greece family is still something valuable - Because we do not share the petrol with those we take in our cars - Because we always make it, albeit in the last moment - Because for the sake of a woman we made war for 10 years (Trojan war) - Because we are everywhere around the planet Because we love and hate with passion - Because "filotimo" (friend of honor, helping someone because it is a shame not to) doesn't exist in any other languages - Because whenever foreigners cannot find a word, they use one of ours - Because we spend our bad and low times with our friends and family not with shrinks - Because Socrates, Pluto and Aristotle were Greek - Because we invented theatre Because we gave birth to Democracy - Because we discovered logic Because we jump started science - Because we are proud of our culture, not of our wars - Because when others were discovering meat, we already had cholesterol - Because when we were building the Parthenon, the others were still sleeping on trees - Because we gave the light to all these leaders who are "striving" for peace by making wars - Because we can give anything up just to make love - Because Hundreds of women travel to Greece every summer just to get laid - Because we have a distinction between Eros (falling in love) & Agapi (innocent love), while we feel both passionately - Because Eros was a Greek God - Because when others used to! be clothed with wolf skin we were weaving see-through linen - Because "Greeks do not fight as heroes, heroes fight like Greeks" (Winston Churchill, 1941) - Because we don't use ketchup with our food - it tastes good anyway - Because we gave our ancient alphabet to the Romans and our Medieval alphabet to the Slavs - Because we get angry quickly but we forget all about it even quicker - Because we are not ashamed to cry - Because we dance when we are sad - Because we work to live and we do not live to work - Because 97% of the stars' names are Greek Because although we know danger well, we dare - Because when you shout "brother" in the streets everyone turns around - Because we always talk about getting in a diet after we had our meal - Because we speak loudly and laugh even louder - Because we do not know what anxiety is - Because we walk in the streets at 2:00 in the morning and there are traffic jams - Because we walk in the streets at 4:00 in the morning and there are traffic jams - Because girls are not scared to walk alone in the streets at 2:00 or 4:00 o'clock in the morning - Because we are direct Because we never report people who cheat - Because we always have a solution to problems, even if usually ends up illegal - Because we have tendencies to extremity - Because our parents do not forget that we exist when we reach 18 - Because when we want to sunbathe, we go to the beach, we don't crawl on grass or jump into fountains - Because we confront every difficulty with humor - Because the Olympic games were born here - Because with our (Olympic) light, we unite the world and pass the message of peace - Because our sky is blue, not gray - Because we have the cleanest seas on the planet - Because 40% of Oxford dictionary is made up with Greek words - Because we are a poor country with very rich citizens - Because we know what "Kefi" (propensity to fun) means - Because we like to spend money and eat fish while they are still fresh - Because in Greece nobody is hungry Because in Greece nobody is homeless - Because we grow hallucigenic weed without biological engineering!! - Because our "model for life" has many curves Because we wear sandals without socks - Because we get paid on Friday and we end up owing money by Monday morning - Because we gave the oath "freedom or death" - Because we have a small, poor country full of people with big hearts.

Greek Divorce   The Greek father calls his son a couple of days before Christmas and says, "Niko, I hate to ruin your day, but I must tell you that your mother and I are divorcing - forty-five years of misery is enough." "Mba mba, what are you talking about?" Niko screams. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer, We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister Toula and let her know." Frantic, the son calls Toula, who explodes on the phone."No way are my loving parents getting divorced!" she shouts. She calls Dad immediately and screams - - "Patera, you are not getting divorced! Don't do anything until we get there. I'm calling Niko back and we'll be there tomorrow. Do you hear me?" and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Endaxi," he says,"they're coming home for Christmas and paying their own way."

Three Greeks and Three Turks    Three Greeks, Costa, George and Niko as well as three Turks, Melik, Alican and Bora are travelling by train to a conference. At the station, the Turks each buy one ticket and watch as the Greeks buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks Melik. "Watch and you'll see," answers Costa. They all board the train. The Turks take their respective seats but all three Greeks cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Turks saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Turks decide to copy the Greeks on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Greeks don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says Alican. "Watch and you'll see," answers Niko. When they board the train the 3 Turks cram into a restroom and the 3 Greeks cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Greeks leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Turks are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

You Know You're Greek When... 1) You're 5'4", can bench press 325 pounds, shave twice a day, but you still cry when your mother yells at you. 2) Your uncle owns a restaurant, has $300,000 in the bank, but still drives a '76 Monte Carlo. 3) You share a bathroom with your 5 brothers, have no money, but drive a $45,000 Camaro. 4) Your mechanic, plumber, electrician, accountant and travel agent are all blood relatives. 5) You have a relative that has done something that required the IRS to threaten him. 6) Your 2 best friends are your cousin and brother-in-law's brother-in-law. 7) You are a card-carrying V.I.P at more than 3 dance clubs. 8) Despite the hair on your back, you still try to impress the ladies by wearing your "Just Do Me" tank top to Wasaga. 9) At least 5 of your cousins live on your street. 10) All 5 of those cousins are named after your grandfather. 11) A high school diploma and 1 year of community college has earned you the title of "professor" among your aunts. 12) You are on a first name basis with at least 8 banquet hall owners. 13) If someone in your family grows beyond 5' 9", it is presumed his mother had an affair. 14) There are more than 28 people in your bridal party. 15) You netted more than $50,000 on your baptism. 16) At some point in your life, you waited tables. 17) 30 years after immigrating, your parents still say "Embros" when answering the phone. 18) You are an adult and are forced to be with your family at 12 midnight on New Year's Eve. 19) Upon meeting another Greek, one of your first questions is, "what church do you go to"? 20) Your grandmother/mother/aunt has a miracle cure for every ailment under the sun. 21) You can name any or all of the gods on Mount Olympus. 22) Your mother or father still feel the need to tell you, "katse kala" in public. 23) You have been hit with a "pandofla" or a "koutala" or a "lourithi". 24) You can dance the kalamatiano, tsamiko or zebekiko without music. 25) You or a family member have been photographed with a donkey. 26) You must name your children after your parents, grandparents, or in-laws. 27) You have at least 5 Maria's, 9 Dimitri's, 5 Niko's, 6 George's and 4 Yanni's in the family. 28) You have ever heard the phrase, "Sto leo yia to kalo sou". 29) Your parents have ever made up the name of a street or store or tv show because they couldn't remember it or pronounce it. 30) Upon meeting another Greek you try to find out what village they're from. 31) You have ever been threatened by a Greek School Teacher. 32) You still get threatened by a Greek School Teacher even though you're 30 yrs old. 33) You have been spanked by your friend's parents because your parents gave them permission to. 34) You have a bottle of OUZO in your house right now. 35) You know what a "komboloi" is. 36) You know how to work a "komboloi". 37) When you were younger and going on car trips you always had to sit on someone's lap in the front or back seat. 38) You were ever threatened to be eaten by the "mavro pontiki" when you were little. 39) Someone in your family owns or works in any type of restaurant. 40) You are surprised to learn that the local pet store does not sell goats. 41) You can't understand why McDonald's rejected your idea for the "McFeta" Burger. 42) Your entire house is a needlepoint warehouse! 43) You eat Vanilla with a spoon from the jar. 44) You have at least 2 kitchens in your house and a lamb roaster in your backyard. 45) Your parents keep the unclaimed $$$$$ in old moth ball smelling coat pockets. 46) At Weddings the karta (card) is determined on the amount of food, the type of band, if the couple is Greek and whether you are convinced the marriage will last. 47) You make up your own Greco-American language :For e.g. Carro (car), Moovare (move), Wassemassini (washing machine), bassi (bus). 48) You can always go to yiayia or papou to curse out your parents and all they do is soothe you and feed you karpouzi. 49) You have been given the evil eye by your mother in public and/or the biting of the forefinger knuckle. 50) You were the first one to get cable on your block, but the last to have it legally. 51) You dread kissing everyone at family gatherings, because you wind up smelling like armpits at the end of the night. 52) You've been embarrassed by Mom or Dad in stores because they expect the Greek discount and ask to waive the tax if they pay in cash.

Greek To English Dictionary... SAY IT IN Proper English... Greek English... Greek 1) No worries... noworis... kanena provlima 2) Hello... allaou... yia 3) I don't know... eyerono... Pou thes na xero? 4) That's all right... tsorait... kala 5) Yes... mmm... ame 6) No... mm mm ... tsou/oxi re pousti 7) excuse me... eyyyyyyy... re malaka 8) what's the time please... otsi taim... mazi to exoume to roloi 9) Could I have a glass or water please... wun wota plis... ena nero grigora 10) Could you tell me when the next bus is due?... when caming next bus... miazo yia othigo? 11) Oh blast!... fukyen shit... gamimenoooo 12) Oh well... awell... den gamiete 13) You're very beautiful... yiou very sexy... ise mounara 14) Would you like to come in for coffee?... yiou fukoffi... ela, pame gia tsimboukia 15) You awful woman... fukyen bits... kariola 16) You're late... cuman, otsi taim... pou ise re pousti 17) Thank you... thengiou... (No translation found) 18) I'm sorry... skiuped... stravomara 19) You idiot... blar ry inthies... kimismeno 20) I love beautiful woman... be youri ful ngel... m'aresi na gamao 21) You are a disgrace... I kill you... gamiese apo ton ngolo 22) Where are you?... where you are... pou gamiese

3 Greeks & 3 Turks... 3 Greeks and 3 Turks are travelling by train to a conference. At the station, the 3 Turks each buy tickets and watch as the 3 Greeks buy only a single ticket. "How are 3 people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one Turk. "Watch and you'll see," answers one Greek. They all board the train. The Turks take their respective seats but all three Greeks cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Turks saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Turks decide to copy the Greeks on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Greeks don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed Turk. "Watch and you'll see," answers a Greek. When they board the train the 3 Turks cram into a restroom and the 3 Greeks cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Greeks leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Turks are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

You Know You're An American Married To A Greek... 1. At Easter you have ever taken a ride out to a farm and come home with a dead lamb, including its intestines in a bucket. 2. At Easter you have ever lifted the lid to the pot boiling on the stove and seen something looking back at you (head of the lamb). 3. At Easter you have been made fun of because you won't eat the soup. 4. You have ever had to pick-up your in-laws from the airport with more than one car because all their luggage wouldn't fit into one. 5. Your father-in-law has ever tried to negotiate the purchase of a new car for you. 6. You are the only one in church without black hair, and wearing a brown suit. 7. They never give you the hanky and ask you to lead the line at Church dances. 8. The taste of Ouzo makes you ill. 9. You have ever come home from the store with the wrong Feta. 10. You hate the Turks but not sure why. 11. Your in-laws can't understand why you would want to vacation somewhere other than Greece. 12. Half the pictures hanging in your house are religious icons. 13. You have ever been lectured on the importance of olive oil and medicinal effects of lemon. 14. While sitting at the dinner table your in-laws have ever made fun of "hillbilly" Americans all the while they tear apart their bread and dunk it in the "community" salad bowl with their fingers. 15. You have ever been chastised by your in-laws for voting Republican. 16. Your wife's relatives in Greece have ever made fun of your bathing suit, while all the Greek men on the beach walk around with everything hanging out of a thong or Speedo. 17. A Greek Priest has ever called you by your baptismal name in front of your confused biological parents. 18. You have ever had to dry clean your suit after Easter services to remove the wax stains. 19. You have ever wondered if your spouse's grandparents were nymphomaniacs because she/he refers to everyone as Thea or Theo. 20. You have ever wondered what the difference is between an engagement party and a wedding shower. 21. You have ever wondered why your mother-in-law's dinner salads never has any lettuce in them. 22. You have ever wanted to do physical harm to the bouzouki or clarinet player in the band. 23. You have ever had to utter the phrase, "I want the fresh filo, please." 24. While traveling in Greece with your in-laws, they have ever had to explain your behavior by saying, "einai Americanos," or "that's how they do things in America." 25. The first time you heard the chanter in church you thought someone was having a kidney stone attack.

A Greek, A Turk And 2 Women Are On A Train... In a train carriage there were a Greek man, a Turkish man, a spectacular looking blonde and a frightfully awful looking fat lady. After several minutes of the trip the train happens to pass through a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel, the Turkish man had a big red slap mark on his cheek. (1) The blonde thought: - "That Turkish idiot wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his face". (2) The fat lady thought: - "This dirty old Turkish man laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him". (3) The Turkish man thought: - "That stupid Greek man put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me". (4) The Greek man thought: - "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack that Turko again".

Top 20 Reasons This Holiday Will Be Good... 20) new, fat free, cholesterol free, tsourekia 19) xristodoulos will be carding at your local bars 18) olympiakos, and panathinaikos, look good together 17) being drunk and singing in the street is normal. 16) try roasting whole chestnuts (kastana) in microwave 15) nightclubs will be full of greek women with stupid little bags on their backs 14) nightclubs will be full of greek men looking to bump frontal pelvic region into backsides of women with little stupid bags 13) aunt maria has new cheap-ass perfume and will make you so dizzy you will pass out. 12) basilopita depreciation has led to itcontaining euro coins 11) you will repeat; your education, carreer status, financial position, love life, over, and over, and over……(and you will twist the truth slightly, just to piss off some over imposing, nosy bitch of a relative) 10) receiving gifts like "underwear", "shampoo" and "socks" from complete strangers is normal 9) you will realize this year that there is a correlation between how much money "santa" spends and the amount of "playtime" he gets from mrs claus. (so if you want to hoho ho…….spend that dough) 8) it is the only time of the year you get to hug and kiss all the women around without getting slapped in the face 7) christmas tree lights, wrapping gifts, santa claus, blonde snow bunnies, metaxa 5*, 7*, 9*, (911) 6) in america you will eat galopoula, in greece arni, and in australia….steve the crock hunter sets out for catching another womper…. 5) see you next year, ok, see you next year, yeah ok, see you next year….. oh yeah, i am not gonna see you till next year 4) you will go out to the villages, sit in traffic, drive like an impatient asshole and cause many accidents. (watch ant1) 3) matiazma will reach epidemic proportions, with no vaccine except for, ftousou, gggfftttouuu, na mis mas xathis. 2) your parents will circulate pictures of your childhood, including the one with you shitting in public 1) annual poker game, may cause you to jump out the window

The Official Greek Handbook... How to be a cool Greek 1. wear clothes of 2 colors, black and white. 2. own a cell phone and use it in at inapropriate times- in church, restaurant, funeral, wedding etc. 3. refer to anyone who's not Greek disparingly as "xeni" and pity them for not being as cultures and sophisticated as the greeks. 4. have predominantly Greek friends, with a few token "xeni" thrown in for diversity. talk greek when "xeni" are aound 5. dress as though you are headed for a club when you're actually going to work or class. 6. if you are a Greek woman, stare menacingly at the other women around you, especially if there richer or more attractive than you. 7. if you are a Greek guy, be sure not to bathe to achieve an "earthy" scent, then try to mask it with a lot of cologne; the combination drives babes wild. 8. smoke as if is your last day on earth…and smoke only malboros. 9. travel only in droves of 10 or more , and be as loud as possible at all times. 10. if you're single, go to all Greek intercollegiate parties and all GOYA conferences, even if you're 45 years old. 11. if you're a single Greek over 30, rell everyone you're in your 20's, even if you're pushing 50. 12. if you're a single Greek gut, tell women you're a "successful businessman" or that you "own a successful business back in greece" even if you're an unemployed goat farmer. 13. dirty dance to Greek folk music. 14. wear only "designer" labels, even if you buy them off a cart on a sidewalk in Manhattan. 15. make sure "designer" lables are extremely visible, preferably embroided on the front of the apparel. 16. if you are a Greek guy, walk 10 feet in front of your woman and call her only when you want sex, then go into a deep depression and lament "theft" of your woman when she dumps you for another guy. 17. if you're a Greek guy, be indifferent and rude to any woman you're interested in dating, especially if she's Greek. 18. if you're a Greek guy, date "xenes" that treat you badly but marry a Greek woman that can treat you badly. 19. if you're a Greek woman, date "xeni" you can treat badly but marry a Greek guy that treats you badly. 20. wear a leather jacket at all times… even in the summer. 21. tell American aquantances that money is never an object, even if you only have 10 bucks to your name. 22. guys: if you have hair, get it cut every week and use at least 3 different styling products; if you're bald, develop a big ego to mask your insecurity. (applicable to short men) 23. make sure you install every possible option in your car, even if it is a Yugo. 24. own a sports car, even if its junk. 25. claim to be a devout Orthodox Christian but know nothing about the religion other than the date of your name day. 26. use church as social ground to meet potential dates. 27. if you are a Greek woman, dye your hair an obvious fake shade of blonde that is nonexistant in nature and swear that it's natural. 28. if you are a Greek american, act like your father was royalty back in Greece but fell into hard times after the 1973 coup. 29. pump Greek music in the hood.

How To Raise A Greek Daughter... 1. Never let your daughters spend the night anywhere, except at a fellow Greek's house. 2. Spend their whole life trying to find them a husband and disapproving of every one they find on their own. 3. Spoil them rotten, but make them feel guilty for it when they ask for something. 4. Fathers - tell them their just like their mothers when you're mad. Mothers- tell them they have their father's head when you're mad. 5. Always compare them to other greek girls (preferably those they can't stand) when trying to make them do something. 6. Complain that their clothes are too short, too tight, too low cut, too black, too cheap, or not right for church. 7. Brag to your friends about how beautiful and smart they are, but tell them to make their sons to stay away. 8. Press for them to marry a greek man, but then ward them off any Greek man you see them with. "He's okay, but his mother is crazy." "His father cleans up goat shit." "I heard his has a big house but he locks his yiayia downstairs, do you want to marry someone like that?" "No policemen." 9. Tell them they eat too much or not enough, depending on the situation. 10. Let them run around naked as children, but make them dress like nuns as adults. 11. Complain they spend too much money shopping, and then go out and blow $1000 on a poker game or gambling. 12. Tell them they never keep their car clean enough, even if your vehicle is covered in dust, reeks of smoke, and has empty coffee cups and food crumbs covering the inside. 13. Force them to be nice to people they can't stand, while you talk about those same people like they are dogs. 14. Have a fit when they use the word 'malaka', but use it yourself as if it were going out of style. 15. Let their brothers get away with murder. 16. Embarass them by getting drunk at name days, Easter, festivals, etc, and then dancing the zembekeiko. 17. Assign a name to all their friends, and use them at inappropriate occasions (i.e. the mavra, the fat one, the ugly one, the dumb one, the slut, the chinese one) 18. Never let them leave the house after 10 O'clock. 19. Force them to go to church, join GOYA, dance in the festival. 20. Tell them "good greek girls don't behave that way" as many times as possible within a lifetime. 21. Buy them gold jewelry even when you know they only wear silver. 22. Fathers - always leave your shirt unbuttoned at least 3 buttons, exposing chest hair and gold cross, when going anywhere with your daughters. 23. Expect them to know all of the Greek dances - except for the tsiftetelli. 24. Make them believe that Greek women never have sex.

Top 10 Reasons Not To Marry Greek...   Women:  Ten Reasons Why You Shouldn't Marry a Greek Male  1. Two words - His Mother. 2. Housework and birthing his children isn't your life ambition. 3. Sometimes you want to have an opinion about something. 4. You hate his mother's cooking, and that's all he'll eat. 5. His brother/cousin/friend/uncle has the hots for you. 6. Spending your wedding night alone while he plays poker isn't your idea of fun. 7. Your nostrils can't take the amount of cologne he "splashes" on. 8. You thought "Greek Style" was how green beans and chicken was cooked. 9. Looking at other men isn't allowed, but he can look at other women. 10. He picks his nose in public. Men:  Ten Reasons Why You Shouldn't Marry a Greek Woman 1. One word - "Babaaaaa!" (accompanied by crying) 2. She can't cook like your mother. 3. Having your children and cleaning your house isn't fun for her...go figure! 4. The incessant whining of her voice drives you crazy. 5. She always has an opinion about everything. 6. You can't have sex with her until she's married, but find out after that she's slept with your brother and cousin and uncle and friends. 7. One more word - Nagging. 8. Buying new living room furniture every six months isn't how you want to spend your money. 9. She thinks "Greek Style" is how you cook green beans and chicken. 10. She won't let you show her what "Greek Style" really is.

An Old Drunk Greek Man Walks In A Bar... 2 guys are at a bar drinking when an old man stumbles in, obviously drunk. He sits next to the men and says to them, "ti mana sou, tin exo gammisi". The men noticing he is drunk, ignore him and continue their conversation. The drunk interupts them again and says, "ti mana sou, mou exei dosi pipa". The 2 men still ignore the old man when he again interupts the men and this time says, "ti mana sou, tin exo pari ap'to kolo". With this, one of the young men gets up and walks up to the old man and says, "patera, exeis piee ligaki, then pas spiti?"

"She Wasn't Greek Enough" Song... To the beat of Toni Braxton's "He Wasn't Man Enough For Me Who do you think i am dont you know that she wont my woman cause i chose to let her go, not enough oregano in her kotopoulo... She aint got no magazi or a black infiniti not enough prika for me she wasnt greek enough for me Fere ena nero kai taise to moro min mou kanis grinies giati piso sti mana sou piges ton kafe den petixeni kai h mana tis mou mbeni Don't wake me up in the afternoon my siestas more important there's still tsimbles in my mati i'm not gonna leave my krevati can't perform vedouzes or masaz my large patouses can't read her mabri mira out of mini flitzanaki she wasnt Greek enough for me

"No FOBs" Song... "No FOB'' Parody of ''No Scrubs'' by TLC A FOB is a guy who thinks he's fly Also known as a malaka With garlic breath and slicked back hair He thinks that he's God's gift So (no) I don't want to touch you (no) your accent doesn't turn me on and (no) I don't want to meet you nowhere and (no) speedo's aren't the bomb (no) CHORUS I don't want no FOB A FOB is a guy that can't get no feta from me Riding on his donkey's backside With enough olives To feed a whole army I don't want no FOB A FOB is a guy that can't get no feta from me Hanging in the kafeneio With the geraki Playing with his kobolaki And now a FOB is trying to chat with me He's typing in Greek And you know that's really annoying With the "Ti kaneis koukla;" and "Ti foras"; He's trying to get a piece of online ass So (no) I don't want to touch you (no) your accent doesn't turn me on and (no) I don't want to meet you nowhere and (no) speedo's aren't the bomb (no) CHORUS I don't want no FOB A FOB is a guy that can't get no feta from me Riding on his donkey's backside With enough olives To feed a whole army I don't want no FOB A FOB is a guy that can't get no feta from me Hanging in the kafeneio With the geraki Playing with his kobolaki If you have a donkey, start walking Oh yes FOB, I'm talking to you If you live at home wit' your provata Oh yes FOB, I'm talking to you If you have a kefalotiri but you don't make saganaki Oh yes FOB, I'm talking to you Wanna get with me, while you're a sleeze Oh no I don't want no (oh) No FOB No FOB (no no) No FOB (no no no no no) No FOB (no no) No

Honesty...

I am not an Angel, or perfect citizen.
 I don't claim to be. Actually, goody two shoes and perfect citizens are a little bit boring, I like to rebel/sin just a little, and living unconventionally is just my preference. It makes me Happy.
However; One of my best characteristics that I really like about myself is my HONESTY. If I have lied to get myself out of trouble; I have always suffered the horrible repercussions of Karma.  I have never understood the benefit people get out of lying. And there are some people who have lied so long that they believe their lies.   Teenagers (Kids) LIE. Period. LOL Sorry to generalize, but more then likely, a teenager has told quite a few tall tales in a lifetime.
But then we grow up and see the cause and effect of lies. The truth shall always set you free. Break out of that CAGE AND TELL IT LIKE IT IS!
I spent a few years in my teenage life creating tall tales; sometimes it was only to impress people, or it was an unintentional heartbreak I created when I was a young tenderoni becoming a woman. I remember feeling that  horrible feeling inside when I would lie. And to try and hide within my lies, and knowing full well that the truth isn't worse then the lie I created! I remember not knowing why I even lied, sometimes they were dumb lies, just to tell a better story.... Eventually I went back and tried to right everything and  it was a HUGE burden off my chest.
Honesty feels so good. Brutally Honest doesn't always feel good.  it sometimes  has a horrible backlash, but the backlash you get from a LIE is 10 times worse.
 If you are ever forced to be brutally honest with someone, I hope you know that your honesty is appreciated instead of trying to make up a lie because eventually you WILL get caught.
If you are lying to protect someones feelings from being hurt, it is understandable. More then Likely it is a white Lie which the person already knows the truth anyhow.

 "Do you like my haircut?"
"No, Its hideous" Person walks away insulted- and feeling down.
"Yeh its cute" *inside your head you wish you pretended you are answering an important phone call so you can walk away laughing* Person walks away with high confidence, later they look in the mirror- realize its hideous and hates it, and goes to fix it at the salon anyhow. YEH your safe, no one will be injured by your white lie.

2013 Year of the Snake

To many people, the snake is associated with venom and danger, But to some cultures, The snake is actually considered to be a symbol of Good Luck.
The snake is considered to be an important reptile, It helps balance the ecosystem by eating mice, which are pests to farmers and homeowners.
Ancient wisdom says a snake in the house is a good omen since it means your family will not starve. This is to be taken metaphorically; a snakes family never has the problem of starvation since he is such a great mediator making him good at business. Or it could mean that the snake is willing to sacrifice his possessions in order to pay for his family's food.
In some Asian cultures people believe the upcoming 2013 would be a wealthy year, when reproduction of all kind is blessed and love is definitely the only thing that human will think of.

With this information stated we welcome a new pet into our home, My Hubby has begged for years to have a pet snake. I took a lot of time and researched for a while, and slowly warmed up to the idea. Truth is, I had a fear of snakes for a long time! But I recently met and held a friends snake and after extensively researching I  discovered that the Ball Python is a completely docile harmless snake. He is sincerely not interested in eating me, he is only interested in eating mice.

Anyhow, after welcoming  home our new pet, we received much negative backlash from friends and family.
People are fearful of my 3 year old daughters safety and think I made an unwise decision. The truth is, The tank is firmly secured with no chance of the snake escaping, & right now, the snake is a tiny BABY and would choke to death on my pinky if he tried to bite me. We have taught my daughter very well regarding how to respect animals boundaries and she does not touch any of our lizard/turtle/snake tanks. She enjoys to watch these pets in their habitats and it is very educational and culture enriching for her to be exposed to different types of animals.

And quite frankly, to put it into a different perspective, dog owner's put their children at more of a risk then Ball Python owners. On average, over 20-30  people die every year due to fatal dog attacks. And the number keeps rising. But no one really judges the average dog owners?

Now there is NOT one record of a ball python killing a human. NOT ONE.

 Let me repeat that for the record:  
There are no known  fatalities  between a human and a ball python. 

Ball pythons actually do well with children but, of course it is always best to have them supervised when handling one. Some children have even handled a ball python so roughly that they have caused it to become injured. Ball pythons do not recognize people as food. The largest ball pythons, for the most part, cannot even consume a full grown jumbo rat.

Species like Burmese pythons, larger boas and reticulated pythons would be more likely candidates to put family members at harmful risk. And that is mostly due to the fact that they are not kept in secure cages.

Now that I got that off of my chest, I am happy to welcome this little guy into our family and hope we get to enjoy him for decades! :)

10 quick and Yummy recipes for Boneless Chicken Breasts

I found 10 quick/easy and yummy things to do with boneless skinless chicken breasts. I never usually eat chicken breasts I find them bland and dry. These quick and simple recipes look interesting and I cant wait to try them all! They all use less then 4 ingredients.

Golden Chicken

6 boneless skinless chicken breasts

1/4 cup butter

1 can golden mushroom soup 

1/2 cup sliced almonds 

1. preheat oven 350 degrees 
2. place chicken in baking pan 
3. combine butter, soup, almonds, and 1/4 cup water in saucepan & heat an mix till butter melts 
4. pour over chicken, cover and bake 1 hour 

Chicken Crunch

6 boneless skinless chicken breasts

1/2  cup Italian salad dressing

1/2 cup sour cream 

2 1/2 cups crushed corn flakes 

1. marinate chicken with salad dressing and sour cream for one hour in fridge in plastic bag .
2. preheat oven to 375 degrees 
3. remove and discard marinade
4. dredge chicken in cornflakes and place in pan
5. bake for 45 mins 

Peachy Chicken

4 boneless skinless chicken breasts

1/2 cup Italian dressing 

2 tsp ground ginger 

1/2 cup peach preserves 

1. combine dressing and ginger in plastic bag 
2. marinade 4 hours or overnight 
3. remove chicken from marinade and place in pan 
4. broil chicken until no longer pink and brush with marinade 

Pineapple Glazed Chicken 

4 boneless skinless chicken breasts

1 can pineapple chunks with juice   

1/2 cup honey mustard grill and glaze sauce 

1 red bell pepper seeded and chopped

1. brown chicken in skillet and cook on low heat for 15 mins 
2. add pinapple honey mustard and pepper 
3. bring to boil, reduce heat to low and simmer for 10 to 15 mins until sauce thickens

Rosemary Chicken 

6 boneless skinless chicken breasts

1/2 cup flour 

Italian dressing 

1 tbsp  dried rosemary 

1. preheat oven to 350 degrees 
2. combine flour and half the rosemary.
3.  in a separate bowl pour italian dressing over all the chicken breasts
4. dredge chicken in flour and place in baking pan 
5. bake for 40 mins. remove and add the rest of the rosemary and cook 10 more mins

Lemonade chicken 

6 boneless skinless chicken breasts

1 can of frozen lemonade concentrate, thawed 

1/2 cup soy sauce 

1 tsp garlic powder 

1. preheat oven to 350 degrees
2. place chicken in pan 
3. combine all additional ingredients and pour over chicken 
4. cover and bake 45 mins; 
5. uncover and repour juice over chicken and cook 10 more minutes

Mozzarella Cutlets 

4 boneless skinless chicken breasts

1 cup Italian seasoned breadcrumbs 

1 cup prepared spaghetti sauce 

4 slices of mozzarella cheese 

1. preheat oven to 350 degrees
2. pound chicken to flatten
3. coat chicken with breadcrumbs and place in pan 
4. place sauce over each portion; place a slice of cheese over each chicken and garnish with remaining breadcrumbs 
5. bake for 45 mins 

Marinated Garlic chicken 

6 boneless skinless chicken breast halves 

1 tbsp oregano 

3/4 tsp garlic powder 

1/2 cup butter- melted 

1. place chicken breasts in plastic bag 
2. add all remaining ingredients and marinade for 3 hours
3. preheat oven to 325 degrees 
4. drain and place in baking dish, cover and bake 1 hour 

Curry Chicken 

4 boneless skinless chicken breasts - cooked and cubed

2 cans cream of mushroom soup 

2  tsp curry powder 

1/3 cup slivered almonds 

1. combine soup, 1 can of water, curry, almonds and  cubed chicken in large saucepan 
2. heat and cook 5 mins stirring frequently. 
3. serve over white rice

Apricot Ginger Chicken

4 boneless skinless chicken breasts

2 tsp ground ginger 

3/4 cup Italian dressing 

2/3 cup apricot preserves 

1. Combine ginger and dressing. set aside 1/4 cup. place in plastic bag and marinade chicken overnight
2. preheat  oven 350 degrees 
3. remove chicken from marinade and place in baking pan 
4. pour 1/4 cup marinade in saucepan and bring to boil for one minute. remove from heat and stir in preserves and set aside. 
5. bake chicken 45 mins and brush with cooked marinade the last 10 mins of cooking 

"Paper Menagerie" A beautiful short story!

"Paper Menagerie"

 

by Ken Liu

One of my earliest memories starts with me sobbing. I refused to be soothed no matter what Mom and Dad tried.
Dad gave up and left the bedroom, but Mom took me into the kitchen and sat me down at the breakfast table.
"Kan, kan," she said, as she pulled a sheet of wrapping paper from on top of the fridge. For years, Mom carefully sliced open the wrappings around Christmas gifts and saved them on top of the fridge in a thick stack.
She set the paper down, plain side facing up, and began to fold it. I stopped crying and watched her, curious.
She turned the paper over and folded it again. She pleated, packed, tucked, rolled, and twisted until the paper disappeared between her cupped hands. Then she lifted the folded-up paper packet to her mouth and blew into it, like a balloon.
"Kan," she said. "Laohu." She put her hands down on the table and let go.
A little paper tiger stood on the table, the size of two fists placed together. The skin of the tiger was the pattern on the wrapping paper, white background with red candy canes and green Christmas trees.
I reached out to Mom's creation. Its tail twitched, and it pounced playfully at my finger. "Rawrr-sa," it growled, the sound somewhere between a cat and rustling newspapers.
I laughed, startled, and stroked its back with an index finger. The paper tiger vibrated under my finger, purring.
"Zhe jiao zhezhi," Mom said. This is called origami.
I didn't know this at the time, but Mom's kind was special. She breathed into them so that they shared her breath, and thus moved with her life. This was her magic.
#
Dad had picked Mom out of a catalog.
One time, when I was in high school, I asked Dad about the details. He was trying to get me to speak to Mom again.
He had signed up for the introduction service back in the spring of 1973. Flipping through the pages steadily, he had spent no more than a few seconds on each page until he saw the picture of Mom.
I've never seen this picture. Dad described it: Mom was sitting in a chair, her side to the camera, wearing a tight green silk cheongsam. Her head was turned to the camera so that her long black hair was draped artfully over her chest and shoulder. She looked out at him with the eyes of a calm child.
"That was the last page of the catalog I saw," he said.
The catalog said she was eighteen, loved to dance, and spoke good English because she was from Hong Kong. None of these facts turned out to be true.
He wrote to her, and the company passed their messages back and forth. Finally, he flew to Hong Kong to meet her.
"The people at the company had been writing her responses. She didn't know any English other than 'hello' and 'goodbye.'"
What kind of woman puts herself into a catalog so that she can be bought? The high school me thought I knew so much about everything. Contempt felt good, like wine.
Instead of storming into the office to demand his money back, he paid a waitress at the hotel restaurant to translate for them.
"She would look at me, her eyes halfway between scared and hopeful, while I spoke. And when the girl began translating what I said, she'd start to smile slowly."
He flew back to Connecticut and began to apply for the papers for her to come to him. I was born a year later, in the Year of the Tiger.
#
At my request, Mom also made a goat, a deer, and a water buffalo out of wrapping paper. They would run around the living room while Laohu chased after them, growling. When he caught them he would press down until the air went out of them and they became just flat, folded-up pieces of paper. I would then have to blow into them to re-inflate them so they could run around some more.
Sometimes, the animals got into trouble. Once, the water buffalo jumped into a dish of soy sauce on the table at dinner. (He wanted to wallow, like a real water buffalo.) I picked him out quickly but the capillary action had already pulled the dark liquid high up into his legs. The sauce-softened legs would not hold him up, and he collapsed onto the table. I dried him out in the sun, but his legs became crooked after that, and he ran around with a limp. Mom eventually wrapped his legs in saran wrap so that he could wallow to his heart's content (just not in soy sauce).
Also, Laohu liked to pounce at sparrows when he and I played in the backyard. But one time, a cornered bird struck back in desperation and tore his ear. He whimpered and winced as I held him and Mom patched his ear together with tape. He avoided birds after that.
And then one day, I saw a TV documentary about sharks and asked Mom for one of my own. She made the shark, but he flapped about on the table unhappily. I filled the sink with water, and put him in. He swam around and around happily. However, after a while he became soggy and translucent, and slowly sank to the bottom, the folds coming undone. I reached in to rescue him, and all I ended up with was a wet piece of paper.
Laohu put his front paws together at the edge of the sink and rested his head on them. Ears drooping, he made a low growl in his throat that made me feel guilty.
Mom made a new shark for me, this time out of tin foil. The shark lived happily in a large goldfish bowl. Laohu and I liked to sit next to the bowl to watch the tin foil shark chasing the goldfish, Laohu sticking his face up against the bowl on the other side so that I saw his eyes, magnified to the size of coffee cups, staring at me from across the bowl.
#
When I was ten, we moved to a new house across town. Two of the women neighbors came by to welcome us. Dad served them drinks and then apologized for having to run off to the utility company to straighten out the prior owner's bills. "Make yourselves at home. My wife doesn't speak much English, so don't think she's being rude for not talking to you."
While I read in the dining room, Mom unpacked in the kitchen. The neighbors conversed in the living room, not trying to be particularly quiet.
"He seems like a normal enough man. Why did he do that?"
"Something about the mixing never seems right. The child looks unfinished. Slanty eyes, white face. A little monster."
"Do you think he can speak English?"
The women hushed. After a while they came into the dining room.
"Hello there! What's your name?"
"Jack," I said.
"That doesn't sound very Chinesey."
Mom came into the dining room then. She smiled at the women. The three of them stood in a triangle around me, smiling and nodding at each other, with nothing to say, until Dad came back.
#
Mark, one of the neighborhood boys, came over with his Star Wars action figures. Obi-Wan Kenobi's lightsaber lit up and he could swing his arms and say, in a tinny voice, "Use the Force!" I didn't think the figure looked much like the real Obi-Wan at all.
Together, we watched him repeat this performance five times on the coffee table. "Can he do anything else?" I asked.
Mark was annoyed by my question. "Look at all the details," he said.
I looked at the details. I wasn't sure what I was supposed to say.
Mark was disappointed by my response. "Show me your toys."
I didn't have any toys except my paper menagerie. I brought Laohu out from my bedroom. By then he was very worn, patched all over with tape and glue, evidence of the years of repairs Mom and I had done on him. He was no longer as nimble and sure-footed as before. I sat him down on the coffee table. I could hear the skittering steps of the other animals behind in the hallway, timidly peeking into the living room.
"Xiao laohu," I said, and stopped. I switched to English. "This is Tiger." Cautiously, Laohu strode up and purred at Mark, sniffing his hands.
Mark examined the Christmas-wrap pattern of Laohu's skin. "That doesn't look like a tiger at all. Your Mom makes toys for you from trash?"
I had never thought of Laohu as trash. But looking at him now, he was really just a piece of wrapping paper.
Mark pushed Obi-Wan's head again. The lightsaber flashed; he moved his arms up and down. "Use the Force!"
Laohu turned and pounced, knocking the plastic figure off the table. It hit the floor and broke, and Obi-Wan's head rolled under the couch. "Rawwww," Laohu laughed. I joined him.
Mark punched me, hard. "This was very expensive! You can't even find it in the stores now. It probably cost more than what your dad paid for your mom!"
I stumbled and fell to the floor. Laohu growled and leapt at Mark's face.
Mark screamed, more out of fear and surprise than pain. Laohu was only made of paper, after all.
Mark grabbed Laohu and his snarl was choked off as Mark crumpled him in his hand and tore him in half. He balled up the two pieces of paper and threw them at me. "Here's your stupid cheap Chinese garbage."
After Mark left, I spent a long time trying, without success, to tape together the pieces, smooth out the paper, and follow the creases to refold Laohu. Slowly, the other animals came into the living room and gathered around us, me and the torn wrapping paper that used to be Laohu.
#
My fight with Mark didn't end there. Mark was popular at school. I never want to think again about the two weeks that followed.
I came home that Friday at the end of the two weeks. "Xuexiao hao ma?" Mom asked. I said nothing and went to the bathroom. I looked into the mirror. I look nothing like her, nothing.
At dinner I asked Dad, "Do I have a chink face?"
Dad put down his chopsticks. Even though I had never told him what happened in school, he seemed to understand. He closed his eyes and rubbed the bridge of his nose. "No, you don't."
Mom looked at Dad, not understanding. She looked back at me. "Sha jiao chink?"
"English," I said. "Speak English."
She tried. "What happen?"
I pushed the chopsticks and the bowl before me away: stir-fried green peppers with five-spice beef. "We should eat American food."
Dad tried to reason. "A lot of families cook Chinese sometimes."
"We are not other families." I looked at him. Other families don't have moms who don't belong.
He looked away. And then he put a hand on Mom's shoulder. "I'll get you a cookbook."
Mom turned to me. "Bu haochi?"
"English," I said, raising my voice. "Speak English."
Mom reached out to touch my forehead, feeling for my temperature. "Fashao la?"
I brushed her hand away. "I'm fine. Speak English!" I was shouting.
"Speak English to him," Dad said to Mom. "You knew this was going to happen some day. What did you expect?"
Mom dropped her hands to her side. She sat, looking from Dad to me, and back to Dad again. She tried to speak, stopped, and tried again, and stopped again.
"You have to," Dad said. "I've been too easy on you. Jack needs to fit in."
Mom looked at him. "If I say 'love,' I feel here." She pointed to her lips. "If I say 'ai,' I feel here." She put her hand over her heart.
Dad shook his head. "You are in America."
Mom hunched down in her seat, looking like the water buffalo when Laohu used to pounce on him and squeeze the air of life out of him.
"And I want some real toys."
#
Dad bought me a full set of Star Wars action figures. I gave the Obi-Wan Kenobi to Mark.
I packed the paper menagerie in a large shoebox and put it under the bed.
The next morning, the animals had escaped and took over their old favorite spots in my room. I caught them all and put them back into the shoebox, taping the lid shut. But the animals made so much noise in the box that I finally shoved it into the corner of the attic as far away from my room as possible.
If Mom spoke to me in Chinese, I refused to answer her. After a while, she tried to use more English. But her accent and broken sentences embarrassed me. I tried to correct her. Eventually, she stopped speaking altogether if I were around.
Mom began to mime things if she needed to let me know something. She tried to hug me the way she saw American mothers did on TV. I thought her movements exaggerated, uncertain, ridiculous, graceless. She saw that I was annoyed, and stopped.
"You shouldn't treat your mother that way," Dad said. But he couldn't look me in the eyes as he said it. Deep in his heart, he must have realized that it was a mistake to have tried to take a Chinese peasant girl and expect her to fit in the suburbs of Connecticut.
Mom learned to cook American style. I played video games and studied French.
Every once in a while, I would see her at the kitchen table studying the plain side of a sheet of wrapping paper. Later a new paper animal would appear on my nightstand and try to cuddle up to me. I caught them, squeezed them until the air went out of them, and then stuffed them away in the box in the attic.
Mom finally stopped making the animals when I was in high school. By then her English was much better, but I was already at that age when I wasn't interested in what she had to say whatever language she used.
Sometimes, when I came home and saw her tiny body busily moving about in the kitchen, singing a song in Chinese to herself, it was hard for me to believe that she gave birth to me. We had nothing in common. She might as well be from the moon. I would hurry on to my room, where I could continue my all-American pursuit of happiness.
#
Dad and I stood, one on each side of Mom, lying on the hospital bed. She was not yet even forty, but she looked much older.
For years she had refused to go to the doctor for the pain inside her that she said was no big deal. By the time an ambulance finally carried her in, the cancer had spread far beyond the limits of surgery.
My mind was not in the room. It was the middle of the on-campus recruiting season, and I was focused on resumes, transcripts, and strategically constructed interview schedules. I schemed about how to lie to the corporate recruiters most effectively so that they'll offer to buy me. I understood intellectually that it was terrible to think about this while your mother lay dying. But that understanding didn't mean I could change how I felt.
She was conscious. Dad held her left hand with both of his own. He leaned down to kiss her forehead. He seemed weak and old in a way that startled me. I realized that I knew almost as little about Dad as I did about Mom.
Mom smiled at him. "I'm fine."
She turned to me, still smiling. "I know you have to go back to school." Her voice was very weak and it was difficult to hear her over the hum of the machines hooked up to her. "Go. Don't worry about me. This is not a big deal. Just do well in school."
I reached out to touch her hand, because I thought that was what I was supposed to do. I was relieved. I was already thinking about the flight back, and the bright California sunshine.
She whispered something to Dad. He nodded and left the room.
"Jack, if — " she was caught up in a fit of coughing, and could not speak for some time. "If I don't make it, don't be too sad and hurt your health. Focus on your life. Just keep that box you have in the attic with you, and every year, at Qingming, just take it out and think about me. I'll be with you always."
Qingming was the Chinese Festival for the Dead. When I was very young, Mom used to write a letter on Qingming to her dead parents back in China, telling them the good news about the past year of her life in America. She would read the letter out loud to me, and if I made a comment about something, she would write it down in the letter too. Then she would fold the letter into a paper crane, and release it, facing west. We would then watch, as the crane flapped its crisp wings on its long journey west, towards the Pacific, towards China, towards the graves of Mom's family.
It had been many years since I last did that with her.
"I don't know anything about the Chinese calendar," I said. "Just rest, Mom. "
"Just keep the box with you and open it once in a while. Just open — " she began to cough again.
"It's okay, Mom." I stroked her arm awkwardly.
"Haizi, mama ai ni — " Her cough took over again. An image from years ago flashed into my memory: Mom saying ai and then putting her hand over her heart.
"Alright, Mom. Stop talking."
Dad came back, and I said that I needed to get to the airport early because I didn't want to miss my flight.
She died when my plane was somewhere over Nevada.
#
Dad aged rapidly after Mom died. The house was too big for him and had to be sold. My girlfriend Susan and I went to help him pack and clean the place.
Susan found the shoebox in the attic. The paper menagerie, hidden in the uninsulated darkness of the attic for so long, had become brittle and the bright wrapping paper patterns had faded.
"I've never seen origami like this," Susan said. "Your Mom was an amazing artist."
The paper animals did not move. Perhaps whatever magic had animated them stopped when Mom died. Or perhaps I had only imagined that these paper constructions were once alive. The memory of children could not be trusted.
#
It was the first weekend in April, two years after Mom's death. Susan was out of town on one of her endless trips as a management consultant and I was home, lazily flipping through the TV channels.
I paused at a documentary about sharks. Suddenly I saw, in my mind, Mom's hands, as they folded and refolded tin foil to make a shark for me, while Laohu and I watched.
A rustle. I looked up and saw that a ball of wrapping paper and torn tape was on the floor next to the bookshelf. I walked over to pick it up for the trash.
The ball of paper shifted, unfurled itself, and I saw that it was Laohu, who I hadn't thought about in a very long time. "Rawrr-sa." Mom must have put him back together after I had given up.
He was smaller than I remembered. Or maybe it was just that back then my fists were smaller.
Susan had put the paper animals around our apartment as decoration. She probably left Laohu in a pretty hidden corner because he looked so shabby.
I sat down on the floor, and reached out a finger. Laohu's tail twitched, and he pounced playfully. I laughed, stroking his back. Laohu purred under my hand.
"How've you been, old buddy?"
Laohu stopped playing. He got up, jumped with feline grace into my lap, and proceeded to unfold himself.
In my lap was a square of creased wrapping paper, the plain side up. It was filled with dense Chinese characters. I had never learned to read Chinese, but I knew the characters for son, and they were at the top, where you'd expect them in a letter addressed to you, written in Mom's awkward, childish handwriting.
I went to the computer to check the Internet. Today was Qingming.
#
I took the letter with me downtown, where I knew the Chinese tour buses stopped. I stopped every tourist, asking, "Nin hui du zhongwen ma?" Can you read Chinese? I hadn't spoken Chinese in so long that I wasn't sure if they understood.
A young woman agreed to help. We sat down on a bench together, and she read the letter to me aloud. The language that I had tried to forget for years came back, and I felt the words sinking into me, through my skin, through my bones, until they squeezed tight around my heart.
#
Son,
We haven't talked in a long time. You are so angry when I try to touch you that I'm afraid. And I think maybe this pain I feel all the time now is something serious.
So I decided to write to you. I'm going to write in the paper animals I made for you that you used to like so much.
The animals will stop moving when I stop breathing. But if I write to you with all my heart, I'll leave a little of myself behind on this paper, in these words. Then, if you think of me on Qingming, when the spirits of the departed are allowed to visit their families, you'll make the parts of myself I leave behind come alive too. The creatures I made for you will again leap and run and pounce, and maybe you'll get to see these words then.
Because I have to write with all my heart, I need to write to you in Chinese.
All this time I still haven't told you the story of my life. When you were little, I always thought I'd tell you the story when you were older, so you could understand. But somehow that chance never came up.
I was born in 1957, in Sigulu Village, Hebei Province. Your grandparents were both from very poor peasant families with few relatives. Only a few years after I was born, the Great Famines struck China, during which thirty million people died. The first memory I have was waking up to see my mother eating dirt so that she could fill her belly and leave the last bit of flour for me.
Things got better after that. Sigulu is famous for its zhezhi papercraft, and my mother taught me how to make paper animals and give them life. This was practical magic in the life of the village. We made paper birds to chase grasshoppers away from the fields, and paper tigers to keep away the mice. For Chinese New Year my friends and I made red paper dragons. I'll never forget the sight of all those little dragons zooming across the sky overhead, holding up strings of exploding firecrackers to scare away all the bad memories of the past year. You would have loved it.
Then came the Cultural Revolution in 1966. Neighbor turned on neighbor, and brother against brother. Someone remembered that my mother's brother, my uncle, had left for Hong Kong back in 1946, and became a merchant there. Having a relative in Hong Kong meant we were spies and enemies of the people, and we had to be struggled against in every way. Your poor grandmother — she couldn't take the abuse and threw herself down a well. Then some boys with hunting muskets dragged your grandfather away one day into the woods, and he never came back.
There I was, a ten-year-old orphan. The only relative I had in the world was my uncle in Hong Kong. I snuck away one night and climbed onto a freight train going south.
Down in Guangdong Province a few days later, some men caught me stealing food from a field. When they heard that I was trying to get to Hong Kong, they laughed. "It's your lucky day. Our trade is to bring girls to Hong Kong."
They hid me in the bottom of a truck along with other girls, and smuggled us across the border.
We were taken to a basement and told to stand up and look healthy and intelligent for the buyers. Families paid the warehouse a fee and came by to look us over and select one of us to "adopt."
The Chin family picked me to take care of their two boys. I got up every morning at four to prepare breakfast. I fed and bathed the boys. I shopped for food. I did the laundry and swept the floors. I followed the boys around and did their bidding. At night I was locked into a cupboard in the kitchen to sleep. If I was slow or did anything wrong I was beaten. If the boys did anything wrong I was beaten. If I was caught trying to learn English I was beaten.
"Why do you want to learn English?" Mr. Chin asked. "You want to go to the police? We'll tell the police that you are a mainlander illegally in Hong Kong. They'd love to have you in their prison."
Six years I lived like this. One day, an old woman who sold fish to me in the morning market pulled me aside.
"I know girls like you. How old are you now, sixteen? One day, the man who owns you will get drunk, and he'll look at you and pull you to him and you can't stop him. The wife will find out, and then you will think you really have gone to hell. You have to get out of this life. I know someone who can help."
She told me about American men who wanted Asian wives. If I can cook, clean, and take care of my American husband, he'll give me a good life. It was the only hope I had. And that was how I got into the catalog with all those lies and met your father. It is not a very romantic story, but it is my story.
In the suburbs of Connecticut, I was lonely. Your father was kind and gentle with me, and I was very grateful to him. But no one understood me, and I understood nothing.
But then you were born! I was so happy when I looked into your face and saw shades of my mother, my father, and myself. I had lost my entire family, all of Sigulu, everything I ever knew and loved. But there you were, and your face was proof that they were real. I hadn't made them up.
Now I had someone to talk to. I would teach you my language, and we could together remake a small piece of everything that I loved and lost. When you said your first words to me, in Chinese that had the same accent as my mother and me, I cried for hours. When I made the first zhezhi animals for you, and you laughed, I felt there were no worries in the world.
You grew up a little, and now you could even help your father and I talk to each other. I was really at home now. I finally found a good life. I wished my parents could be here, so that I could cook for them, and give them a good life too. But my parents were no longer around. You know what the Chinese think is the saddest feeling in the world? It's for a child to finally grow the desire to take care of his parents, only to realize that they were long gone.
Son, I know that you do not like your Chinese eyes, which are my eyes. I know that you do not like your Chinese hair, which is my hair. But can you understand how much joy your very existence brought to me? And can you understand how it felt when you stopped talking to me and won't let me talk to you in Chinese? I felt I was losing everything all over again.
Why won't you talk to me, son? The pain makes it hard to write.
#
The young woman handed the paper back to me. I could not bear to look into her face.
Without looking up, I asked for her help in tracing out the character for ai on the paper below Mom's letter. I wrote the character again and again on the paper, intertwining my pen strokes with her words.
The young woman reached out and put a hand on my shoulder. Then she got up and left, leaving me alone with my mother.
Following the creases, I refolded the paper back into Laohu. I cradled him in the crook of my arm, and as he purred, we began the walk home.